To be honest, I don't know why. I mean I can make us excuses and come up with reasons why I possibly did it but deep down, I don't know why. So let's go over the reasons I think I did it.
Embarrassment? Certainly thats always a factor. In fact, a few months ago I was sitting in Elders Quorum and one of the presidency was being released. The High Councilor got up and said, "All those who would like to thank Brother So-and-So, please do so by the raising of your right hand." Now remember, I'm not allowed to raise my right hand. And so, when I didn't, the High Councilor felt the need, for some strange reason, to question me, openly and quite pointedly for not raising my hand to thank the person who was being released. What the heck! I mean, that kind of embarrassment, while is on a grand scale, repeats itself every Sunday I sit next to someone in church.
And then there is judgment. I mean, there I was, sitting in the front row, direct line to the Stake President and his councilors and the Stake President's wife, who, did I forget to mention is the General Relief Society President of the church? Yeah. I mean, it's embarrassing enough but to have them sitting right there and be able to look at me and see that I'm obviously paying attention. But I'm not raising my hand to sustain them. What are they gonna think? I mean, that kind of judgement was real and I was dealing with that, like, in the moment.
Now I've sat in numerous stake conferences where I'm not even allowed to raise my hand to support my father, back in Oregon as a Stake President. I was even in General Conference in the Conference Center and I wasn't even allowed to sustain the people who were sitting in the very same room as me. The prophet and his apostles. So, why was it different this Sunday?
For some reason, that Sunday, I slightly and quickly raised my hand for each sustaining motion. I don't know why I did it. But, I know that in that moment I knew that I shouldn't. But I did. I broke a rule. Now technically, according to the papers I received after I was disfellowship, if I break the rules that was set out, I could receive further discipline. But, I mean, let's be real. I've broken plenty of those rules. Many times. But this one, I've never broken.
There certainly is part of me that thinks a lot of the rules that I've been told I need to live by are bogus. And that's totally another topic for another time, which I think is going to be an important thing to talk about for me. But this one, I've never broke. So why did I?
Alright, let me just state the obvious. Maybe it was a twitch. Repeated over and over again for each sustaining. Heck, maybe there is a rebel coming out of me, trying to break the bonds of my disfellowship. Maybe I'm just easily embarrassed? I don't know what it is. But I kinda curious to see what happens when I go to Conference with my parents in the Conference Center in two weeks. Hmm, I'll let you know what happens.