My excitement and anticipation for moving to Utah is growing each and every day. It's almost all I can do to not think about my life after graduating. How will my life change when I am no longer doing homework? Who will I become when I am not surrounded by family? Will I go to church anymore when I am not in my home ward with my parents?
That last question had already been answered with a quick and happy no. However, now I am rethinking that question.
Since I have been living at home these past two years, while I finish college, I have been attending church in my home ward with my parents. I have remained free of a calling (thanks to being disfellowshipped from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints) and basically inactive (except for being physically at church). As a gay Mormon, I have found that happy balance of gleefully being who I am, and cheerfully going to church. Few find that balance, but I wanted it and so I found it. I would be lying however if I didn't acknowledge that I also go because I lived with my parents and feel some bit of pressure to go to church.
When I lived in Portland for two and a half years on my own, I stopped going to church all together. It was too burdensome. There was a weight of guilt and awkwardness I didn't want to deal with. I missed Sacrament meeting and the singing of hymns, but I was more comfortable staying home and doing my own thing.
As I thought about living in Salt Lake City on my own, I decided I would not go to church. But over the past few weeks I have begun to wonder if maybe I would enjoy going to the first hour of church. In a new ward with no childhood friends or parents of friends, I could remain almost completely anonymous and enjoy a freedom to leave after the first hour without worrying my parents would find out and guilt trip me. I could slip in, enjoy Sacrament and sing the hymns and slip right out.
I still have 3 months before the move, thus giving me plenty of time to ponder more on this. But I never thought I would want to go to church when living on my own. I am glad that I am open enough with myself to sense feelings inside me that are contrary to past thoughts and that I am willing to entertain such ideas.
P. S. I am still very saddened that my home ward didn't have any talks about the Resurrection or Easter today. They didn't do topics for Christmas either. WHY?!
P. P. S. I sang in a small choir for church today and it made me really miss the days of high school choir. When I move to Utah I am going to look for a choir to join. Any suggestions?