March 8, 2014

My Gay Biological Clock is Ticking

I think my biological clock is ticking. I have never had the desire to have children but a couple recent experiences makes me think I might be opening up to the idea of having a little one call me daddy.

When I was in high school and with my close Mormon friends, we would often talk about baby names we liked, because you know—thats what Mormons do. I had wanted two sets of twins, two boys and then a boy and girl set. Names were borrowed from people I knew or family names: Parc, Khol, Axel and Elle. These fictitious names for make believe children were always just a superfluous conversational topic for me. I never really had a desire for kids.

As I grew into my beginning twenties and my friends were starting to have children of their own, I began to recognize that I really did not want children. The desire to be childless was not a reflection of the gay single situation I was in, rather it was a sincere absences of a desire and even a repulsion of any possible desire.

When I fell in love for the first time, the conversation about children was casually mentioned. I answered honestly that I did not want to have children, but he really wanted a son. I gave some honest thought to whether I was willing to be a equal parent in the raising of a future child. I determined that if my husband had a desire for children, I would willing, happily and whole heartedly be engaged as the best father I could be.

Notwithstanding, I still did not want children of my own. I would never actively pursue raising a child, because it was not my desire. A month ago, I had a flicker of doubt regarding my choice to not having children.

I was sitting in sacrament meeting at church while a young man who was a father of two spoke about his children. For fifteen seconds, my mind drifted away to ponder of the joy I might experience if I had a child. I yearned for a young person looking up to me as the center of their world and their hero. I was heartened to think of helping raise a child in this world who I could mold into a great being.

The fifteen seconds was quickly shaken from my mind and I tossed it aside, reminding myself I don't want a child now or in the future.

I started watching a new television series on Netflix called The Fosters. The series follows the lives of a lesbian couple raising children together who have come from a previous marriage and through adoption. Seeing this fictitious family quickly melted my heart and softened my opposition to have children of my own. In fact, it has made me think that I may want to adopt children after I meet my husband.

I am not sure why, but television shows seem to have a great impact on me. Whether it is the Brown family from Sister Wives, or the Henrickson's of Big Love. These shows softened my views on gay marriage which eventually helped turn me to support it unconditionally.

So now I find myself more open to entertaining the idea of one day choosing to have children whom I can call my own. While this thought scares me, it also makes me smile a little. But first things first—gotta find me a good husband.

4 comments:

  1. I just read your comment on my blog...kind of funny that the topics sort of mesh in a weird way.

    In the Utah gay father's group there's a small segment of future dads who are working towards that. Some of them have started out by looking into possible foster parent/child situations to see/learn if they really have what it takes. Some have gone as far as adopting on their own and using surrogacy (and everything else in between). I say if that's what your life takes you, why not?
    Hugs,Miguel

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    1. I could not do it on my own so this whole matter is really a hold until I meet my someone. But the whole desire has just been planted, it will take a long time to develop to be near any point of readiness. But it's wonderful to hear of such a group in Utah!

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  2. I hate to admit it, but I caught myself smiling and nodding as I was reading your post - only because the opposite is true for me. I yearn for the day when I hold my own son or daughter in my arms and smile at my husband acknowledging our joy together. It's just that sometimes I have the fleeting thoughts of "maybe I really don't want kids..." Then I realize all the reasons I may not want kids don't even come close to the joy I hope to experience through fatherhood...hopefully :)

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    1. I imagine this is our body's working out to an equilibrium of some normalcy of thought. Though this week with the niece and nephew has really turned me against kids again. Except for one sweet moment when we were sitting outside, I thought, "this is nice".

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