February 12, 2014

My Life As a Gay Mormon Teenager

I was a junior in high school when I discovered the song called Untitled, by Simple Plan (song posted at the end of the post). The raw piano stimulated my ears and the vocals were well within my range. I was immediately drawn to this song. However, aside from the amazing musicality, the words twisted my heart and sunk deep into my stomach. How could Simple Plan know me and how could this song sum up my emotions as a gay Mormon teenager so well?


"I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why
I’m lying here tonight


And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No I can’t

How could this happen to me
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me"

I felt growing up in the priesthood, in scouting, in seminary, in church, at stake dances, at Priest and Laurel Dinner Dances, at school, with my friends, with my family, with my life – I was acting. I enjoyed acting on the stage because it was a choice. I knew that when the rehearsal was finished or the curtain closed the role was over, but this acting, my life, could never finish. It was a play that would never end — I was stuck. 

Growing up as a gay Mormon I was taught to do my duty. I was a good teen, never rebelled, never questioned authority and yet every time I took serious stock of my life the very essence of me was a rebellion to God, to my church and to my parents and family. I tried for years to open my eyes but every time I was blinded by my sin, by the person I was and that really stunted me as a person. I was the antagonist of my own play.

I was blessed to never bare the burden of depression or suicidal thoughts. I did, however, acknowledge many times to God that He could take me at any time and I wouldn't complain. I didn't do anything to deserve this plight of being gay and yet I was stuck. How could this happen to me, when I did nothing?

For these reasons and many more I cannot begin to express in words how the song, Untitled, became my personal anthem. Even the name of the song, which was unlabeled, fit my life. I memorized every word, beat and chord from listening to the song on endless loop.

Yesterday, on my drive home from school, I listened to this song for the first time in years. The words flowed and I belted out in my car with the sound sweeping me in a vision of my past. My eyes built up with salted water as the memories rushed back. My stomach sank with the thought of past nights crying on the inside. My heart beat with the pulse of the bass so familiar to me. 

Simple Plan was the theme to my first act. A tragedy and a drama. I am well into my second act and am in the midst of building a new character, a protagonist. Happier and more true. Today, I do not declare Untitled as my anthem. My life has a title. I am pleased with my journey so far. I do not succumb to the guilt of my teenage self. I have control over my part in my play. I have creative direction over my character and script. I am the director, producer and lead.


1 comment:

  1. Wow. I haven't heard that song in AGES! And I never really realized how applicable it was to me until now.

    After coming out and embracing who I really am, I've decided to adopt my own new anthem: "I'm On Top Of The World" by Imagine Dragons.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w5tWYmIOWGk

    Watch it. Love it. Crave it.

    ReplyDelete