August 4, 2013

The Hardest Thing

Being raised as a good Mormon has taught me many wonderful things. I am ever grateful for those things. There is one thing that I have learned through observation, indirect social molding and strong family relationships. The thing I have learned is to think of what others think of me and act based on it.

Being gay and being Mormon has its complex dynamics and is chalk full of cognitive dissident living. Living my life as mine, not as part of a ward or stake or church, is to learn not to think of what others think of me. Fear of the judgment of others in the church or ward was difficult at first but I have for the most part moved past this worry. It is in the family where I still struggle.

Living my life instead of the life my family wants for me is so difficult for me. I come from a strong, and close family. We are very opinionated and critical of each other, but we love beyond measure. I still, to a degree, "do" for my family. My choices are still formed from the self constructed and historically based predicated judgment of my family. Before I act I still think of what my family would think and how they would react. Most of the time it limits what I want to do.

This is the hardest thing for me. To overcome, takes small steps and little choices. I have made small and little, personal and public choices, and with each one it gets better. It has taken a long time to get where I am today, and I'm not done yet.


  1. Holy crap, YES. This Trevor relates.

    Of course, the ability to think of what others think of one and act based on it has its advantages, too.

  2. My partner has a family like that.

    They're very close, always aware of what's going on in each other's lives and very involved, most of that was a by-product of the parent's ability to separate actions from people and always providing unconditional love. As he explains his home was the safe place to go to after dealing with crazy peers, bullies and all other stuff that goes on in life, no matter how bad the things he did were, he was loved unconditionally by his parents. He doesn't quite get it when he hears about Moho's who come out and get kicked out and shunned by their family/friends.

    All of that involvement translated to great things as they became adults and in their own lives, while they still have the aura of unconditional love and inclusiveness they allow each other to think/act and decide for themselves and make no excuses about it. I'm sure it takes a lot of patience and understanding from all involved but it is possible/doable to the extent that they all want to be part of things. I hope that makes sense.

  3. @Trevor - Yes it does. But in my case its just an annoying burden right now.

    @Miguel - Your partners family sounds a lot like mine. I really am truly blessed, because I love my family and they love me. I realize part of growing up is also growing into your own person. I plan to grow into myself while still being a part of my family.