June 2, 2013

Internal Dialogues From a New Job

I mentioned that I have started a new job. I'm currently managing the day to day happenings of a new website that showcases the love and Small Moments of gay love. I have noticed some internal dialogues happening since I've been working this job and particularly this project.

1- How comfortable am I doing this.

I have to say, I have come a long way in accepting myself and being ok with following my heart, even when most around me who love me would rather I not. There is currently a little nagging question in my stomach asking how comfortable I am with being so overtly involved in the gay marriage movement.

I want to get married to a man who I love. I want to invite others to my marriage so they can see through my love and commitment to my husband that gay love is the same as straight love. But these actions are more of a passive nature (at least in my head they are). But now I am actively and publicly fighting for gay marriage, this is what makes me uncomfortable—it's out of my comfort zone. I admit there is a part of me proud that I am taking this step. But I'd be dishonest if I didn't say I'm sacred as hell about it too.

I've managed to not divulge the contents of the website launch to my parents, even with my mother's prying questions about my work. I'm scared to hear her disappointed sigh, and awkward, "Oh, ok" comment. Why is it I'm still fearful of my family's approval of what I choose to support and do in my life.

I posted on Facebook a very strong—conservative—argument for gay marriage the day the Supreme Court heard the case. I gave a strong conservative principle based argument in favor of gay marriage. Yet I found out a couple days later it cause quite the stir at a family gathering I was not able to attend and cause my mother to go cry in a private room.

I was proud of the fact I made a logical and conservative argument for gay marriage, and was brave enough to post it on Facebook. But the phone call from my sister a few days after telling me of the commotion I caused and a covert, nudging request not to post things that would make my parents upset kinda ticked me off.

No one nudged or covertly told my father that his posting of a Sodom and Gomorrah like ending to the world if gay marriage was passed was disrespectful to two of his children and just plain distasteful.

All of this family unease—still—about any gay issues still bothers me, even though I am starting to more outwardly advocate for gay issues. So how comfortable am I doing this website showcasing love and Small Moments in gay marriage? Not 100% but I'm getting there. It's still a process for me, and an important one.

2- When and how will I get this love?

Yes, watching videos with gay men and lesbian women in love, proposing to eachother and getting married, when I am oh-so single, is a little bit of cruel and unusual torture. I know, that one day I will find my prince and live happily ever-after  but my dating life is near non-existant, and I am a little worried that I am so inactive in dating I may never get it.

Being a gay Mormon, I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16. Once I reached that dating age, I didn't want to date girls, and boys weren't even an option to me. I didn't have a boyfriend, let alone a proper date with a boy, until I was 23. My second boyfriend came along when I was 25. My number of first-dates only require one digit to count.

I feel like I'm so far removed, that I don't know how to date or even where to find a boy to date. Heck, we all know Grindr and online sites are shady. I don't drink so no use for bars. Needless to say, I'm a little worried.

The one positive from watching all these videos of gay love is I still have an optimistic heart. I know and want to be in love, and so I will find a way. In one year when I finish school, my plan is to move to Salt Lake City in hopes to find my gay Mormon husband. Until then, Oregon will be my drenched, elongated prelude.


  1. This probably is not a consolation to you, but I am going through a lot of your same emotions even though I am much older. Few of my family and friends were happy with my work last year on the Mormon Pride Parades. I don't need the fingers on both hands to count the number of people really close to me who are happy that I am dating. It has become apparent that the guy I am dating and I have different opinions on gay marriage and living together, plus we have some things that would make marriage unwise at this point even if the Supreme Court rules in favor of nationwide gay marriage. I hope it works out well for you. I am doubting that I will ever marry a man given my age and current health problems.

  2. Oh - I checked out Small Moments website - very nice :)

  3. Congrats on the job! It sounds like it will give you some great experience!

    This post brought up some interesting thoughts for me that I almost certainly won't be able to express in a coherent manner. I'm about your age, but my fiance knows a lot of cool partnered gay guys in their thirties from work. We actually went to a wedding celebration for one of them today. I guess the thing that sticks in my mind compared to what you wrote is that their getting married wasn't about showing anyone that their love was equal, it was just about that they love one another and wanted to make it official. Even though one of the guys getting married today had been disowned, the wedding wasn't about that at all. You want to find a guy and get married because you want that love and commitment, not to make a political point. It may take on a political dimension to some people (including your family), but that's not the point. I guess it makes sense that it would be hard to translate that into actual advocacy work, and I can see why that transition is jarring. I also shy away from political advocacy, even though I'm all for standing for my own equality in my daily life.

    Okay, so the second thing is that while I think it's great that your organization and others are using media to show straight people how sweet love between gay people is, I sometimes worry that it gives gay people unrealistic expectations. All my gay friends just want to find someone to settle down with, which is less than I can say for my straight friends. There is no "the one," but there are a lot of 0.67s or 0.75s or even a few 0.8s that you will be able to get along with and round up to a one. I imagine it must be awful to have to watch a bunch of love-ridden videos like that, but they're all retrospectives and don't get to the essence of what a relationship is about. Real relationships are fun and hard and messy and exhilarating. So enjoy dating! You'll get your heart broken over and over again and eventually you'll find someone who works! And then one day you can sit down and make a video where you only focus on the positive aspects of your life together and create unrealistic expectations for the next generation!

    That being said, have you tried OKCupid? I know a buch of gay and straight people who have had a good time with it and some who have really met some fantastic. It would allow you to filter out guys who don't meet your standards fairly easily, and even focus on Mormons if you want.

    Again, sorry if this doesn't make any sense. I hope it all goes well!

  4. @Dean - Never give up hope. That's the worst thing to do. People still find a partner even late into their life.

    @Evan - I should clarify. I don't want, nor would I make my wedding a political statement. What I tried to convey was by mere virtue of my marrying a man I love, for all the reasons you stated, my family and friends would see it is true love. I am, in fact, very opposed to political posturing (one of the reasons I liked this website so much I'm working for). There would be no attempt to turn my wedding into a statement, I wouldn't want that. I am very much like you, I just want my life to affect people because they know who I am, not because of a convincing political argument. Let me know if that makes sense...

    I believe the question to, "is there one person for you", is very much open to personal opinion. Some say no, others say yes. I am in the camp somewhere in the middle. I believe there are several possible "ones". Yes there is work and trials and it gets messy, and that's part of the falling in love process. But I know there are some "ones" out there for me, I just need to find one of them. Again, personal opinion.

    Thanks for the thoughtful comment, I do appreciate it.

  5. Oh, I assumed that you had that perspective and was trying to agree with you (re: the topic of actually getting married vs politics). I was saying that I can see how that is so different from actual advocacy work.

  6. @Evan - Oh, ok, sorry lol.

  7. Yikes.. sorry to hear about your mom and the things your dad said. I've been there, particularly with my mom. Fortunately, my dad has been relatively open minded on the subject.

    I wonder, though, why your mother cried. Was she ashamed of your stance? Or was it because of the things your relatives were saying? Or maybe a combination of both? Maybe she just still isn't sure how to handle the subject?

    My family was very uneasy when I started showing disagreement on gay rights issues. It did cause some heartache, but over time, many of those hearts changed, and my relationships grew with family members who were willing to at least show some sort of compassion to the issues. But my relationship with those who were hard headed and held strong dissenting opinions eventually wore off. They defriended me.. I defriended them if they openly insulted me. And it really sucks to think about and is hard to get over. I even told one of my brother's and his wife that I did not want any kind of communication with them unless they decided to open their mind a little bit on the issue.

    I guess I'm trying to say that even after 5 years of being out, I still haven't won them all and I've come to the conclusion that I may never be fully accepted by all of my family.

    I think it's important for you to embrace those family members who do support you, but don't cower in your beliefs to those who don't. You don't have to go pose in a photoshoot or make a comment on every gay issue in the news. But you should feel free to openly celebrate when something "big" happens in the news and you should definitely not allow the shame your family might have on the issue to put you back in the closet. Be open about who you are, be passionate about the things you love, and always do your best to be positive!

    As far as your second portion, I think moving would do wonders for you. It will allow you start a fresh new life where you don't have to live up to anyone's expectations. It doesn't even have to be SLC. I would be careful about limiting your options (maybe instead of finding a Mormon gay guy, perhaps a gay man who values his religion would work?) And don't always disregard online dating! That's how I met Brian. As much as I wish we could have run into each other in a book store or a party or out at the park, I'm still very happy I met him.

    I sometimes get frustrated with you, Trevor! I've followed your blog for a while and even though we haven't met, I get a sense of how wonderful of a person you are. I think you have a good future ahead of you, and I sincerely mean that.

  8. @Evan C. - Sorry, I read this right after you posted it and meant to reply quickly. Sorry

    I'm positive my mother was crying because of my positioning on the issue. I know where she stands on things and how emotional she gets when I don't agree with her stances.

    I am sorry about the difficulties some in your family has given you. I know you come from a big family, and I can't imagine how hard it must be to have those who are suppose to love you know matter what, treat you so inhumanly.

    I agree that moving is a must do for me. I am set on it, once I get my 5 year paper from school. lol. I am open to the idea of a non-Mormon, as long as there is a willingness on both our parts to understand and support no matter what. And I am still giving online dating a chance, I just don't put all my faith in it.

    People like you and Brian are such an example to me, so thank you for allowing me to follow your story and life over the years. I do hope we get to meet one day :)

    But I'm curious, why do you get frustrated with me sometimes?