1- How comfortable am I doing this.
I have to say, I have come a long way in accepting myself and being ok with following my heart, even when most around me who love me would rather I not. There is currently a little nagging question in my stomach asking how comfortable I am with being so overtly involved in the gay marriage movement.
I want to get married to a man who I love. I want to invite others to my marriage so they can see through my love and commitment to my husband that gay love is the same as straight love. But these actions are more of a passive nature (at least in my head they are). But now I am actively and publicly fighting for gay marriage, this is what makes me uncomfortable—it's out of my comfort zone. I admit there is a part of me proud that I am taking this step. But I'd be dishonest if I didn't say I'm sacred as hell about it too.
I've managed to not divulge the contents of the website launch to my parents, even with my mother's prying questions about my work. I'm scared to hear her disappointed sigh, and awkward, "Oh, ok" comment. Why is it I'm still fearful of my family's approval of what I choose to support and do in my life.
I posted on Facebook a very strong—conservative—argument for gay marriage the day the Supreme Court heard the case. I gave a strong conservative principle based argument in favor of gay marriage. Yet I found out a couple days later it cause quite the stir at a family gathering I was not able to attend and cause my mother to go cry in a private room.
I was proud of the fact I made a logical and conservative argument for gay marriage, and was brave enough to post it on Facebook. But the phone call from my sister a few days after telling me of the commotion I caused and a covert, nudging request not to post things that would make my parents upset kinda ticked me off.
No one nudged or covertly told my father that his posting of a Sodom and Gomorrah like ending to the world if gay marriage was passed was disrespectful to two of his children and just plain distasteful.
All of this family unease—still—about any gay issues still bothers me, even though I am starting to more outwardly advocate for gay issues. So how comfortable am I doing this website showcasing love and Small Moments in gay marriage? Not 100% but I'm getting there. It's still a process for me, and an important one.
2- When and how will I get this love?
Yes, watching videos with gay men and lesbian women in love, proposing to eachother and getting married, when I am oh-so single, is a little bit of cruel and unusual torture. I know, that one day I will find my prince and live happily ever-after but my dating life is near non-existant, and I am a little worried that I am so inactive in dating I may never get it.
Being a gay Mormon, I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16. Once I reached that dating age, I didn't want to date girls, and boys weren't even an option to me. I didn't have a boyfriend, let alone a proper date with a boy, until I was 23. My second boyfriend came along when I was 25. My number of first-dates only require one digit to count.
I feel like I'm so far removed, that I don't know how to date or even where to find a boy to date. Heck, we all know Grindr and online sites are shady. I don't drink so no use for bars. Needless to say, I'm a little worried.
The one positive from watching all these videos of gay love is I still have an optimistic heart. I know and want to be in love, and so I will find a way. In one year when I finish school, my plan is to move to Salt Lake City in hopes to find my gay Mormon husband. Until then, Oregon will be my drenched, elongated prelude.