February 3, 2013

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow

Tomorrow comes, and thank goodness. My break up hurt. If you don't normally read this blog, just read the past few posts and you'll see the malaise oozing. Well Tomorrow came and I'm better. I have learned some very important things from all of this. Let me go over what they were.

1- I was in love and I loved it. 
I had my first love. My first connection beyond the surface. My first dropping of self built walls to my mind, heart and soul. I gave of myself completely, and it felt really good to let someone in. While it wasn't meant to be (for whatever reason) I have experienced love. To whatever degree of depth my love went (I suspect very shallow) I want more of it. I'm not letting getting hurt stop me from loving again. I know I can love and that is important for me and my progression of coming out to myself and to my future. 

2- I'm ready.
I am ready to begin to settle down with someone. I wasn't so sure with my first boyfriend. I wasn't ready to devote my life and actions and choices to the opinion of another. This time was different. I have learned I am ready.

3- I came out again (sort of).
I told my parents I was in a relationship, and didn't let their disapproval stop me. I announced my relationship on Facebook and to all my family and friends. Now everyone knows I'm gay, and if they don't they probably are too dim to understand anyways. The world knows I am a gay Mormon.

4- I became more independent.
I stood my ground against the pleadings of my parents to forsake my relationship. I continued because it was what I wanted and what I felt was right. This is huge for me. I am one who is easily swayed by the influence of my family. So for me to stand against such strong personal pleading to not do what I was doing, was a huge self victory.

Tomorrow brings new hope, new self resolve, more self awareness, and more hope for my future. Tomorrow still remembers my first love, and wishes he chose to stay, but accepts his choice and is content with it. Tomorrow brings the possibility of finding my true love—one who will make me realize I have not experienced what true love really is. 

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow...


  1. This is a very nice post - a healing post. Please do not discount the love you gave as being shallow. It was real, so it was not shallow. Best wishes today and tomorrow.

  2. @ Dean - I know it was real, but by shallow I mean it it short, and therefore not at all possible as depth as love is meant to be. It was new, and fresh. Shallow might have been the wrong word to use, but the best description I could think of.

  3. Oh - thanks for the clarification. That is kind of hard to put in words. Take care.

  4. I love your response to the break up!

    We need to meet up again. Too bad we live sooo far away.

  5. What a great post! It sounds like you've really collected yourself and are willing to see how much good came out of this relationship. Just remember that every relationship fails until one doesn't (and really, that part takes many years to find that out). You're most likely going to get bruised again, but it's always a learning experience. In the end, a relationship is successful if you both look back on it fondly a few years out.

  6. @Kiley - Thanks. Yes we do. Ill be moving to New Hampshire in a year and a half... that will put us a little closer lol.

    @Evan - It took some time for me to come to this understanding. I feel like I literally went through all the stage of greif. Which is odd, because like my shallow comment alluded too, it was a short relationship. But it was the first guy I fell in love with, and I think that always compounds emotions. But you're right, learning from relationships will only make the final relationship all the better.