October 21, 2012

How Much Do I Share With My Family?

I had always determined that I would not tell my parents every time I go on a date. Even when I had a boyfriend, I would not tell them, until I was ready to move in, or propose. I've only been dating him for four weeks now, but the desire to introduce him to my folks is overwhelming.

I had decided not to inform my parents of every man I met for really one reason. I knew that it would break their heart. They don't want me being with a man, and the realization of my choice would be devastating. This is why I determined I would only do it with the one. That one guy who I would spend the rest of my life with, the one who would have my heart completely, would be the one I would break their heart with. Better to only hurt them once, instead of every new beau who wicked me away into his false emotional web. I would wait for the true love of my life and hurt my parents only once, but for the right guy.

Now that I am with this guy I now I must go slow. I know I must not rush into things prematurely. But this guy does amazing things to me. Do I dare admit I'm falling in love...

While I am not ready to immediately or even in the next few weeks, introduce him to my family, the scene is already being blocked out in my mind (blocked in the theatrical sense of the meaning).

These pre-blocking thoughts have been a consistant prediction of forth coming events through out my life.

"Coming out has been an interesting process in retrospect. I can always point to pivotal coming out times in my life, and trace it back to a simple thought about the act. I first thought about having to come out to my father when I was still at BYU-I. I had never had that thought cross my mind before, and quickly dismissed it as a no-go. Three months later I came out to him. I had the very random and odd thought of coming out to my sister, which was such a far stretch idea I laughed at it. Five months later, I came out to my siblings. Early last spring I wondered what it would be like to come out on Facebook and have my "Interested In" read MEN. I quickly brushed the idea out of my head as a "never going to happen" thought. Then last month, I became "Interested In MEN" (officially on Facebook)."
Taken from my blog about coming out on Facebook.

So obviously the thoughts in my head as to how I would tell my parents I'm in a relationship are a precursor to doing it in reality. It scares me, but also excites me.

I tell this guy that he makes me so happy, and I'm sad that I can't share this happiness with my family. It shouldn't be this way. I should be able to share my joy with my family no matter what the joy is coming from. I know in the end, they will disapprove of my relationship, but will come to accept him and our being together.

Let me be clear, its still a beginning relationship—but I feel it could last forever.

5 comments:

  1. I am happy for you and hope your family will be happy, too. I did a coming out post on Facebook before I changed my status to "Interested in Men." Funny how changing the status caused more angst. It's because posts get buried in new posts after a few days, but the profile is out there for anyone to see.

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  2. Understandably, four weeks is pretty early on, but do you really want to keep your parents in the dark until you are about to make a serious commitment to someone. I imagine I have a different thought process than they would, but I would think that they might feel slighted that you were to spring that sort of life-altering decision on them ("I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone you've never heard of!"). It could also hurt the credibility of your relationship. It might seem rushed to them even though you may have been together for some time. It sounds like they're going to have some initial disapproval no matter what, but I would think that baby steps might soften the blow. For instance, they might be total jerks to your first serious boyfriend, but they may be better able to handle the second one (or perhaps the third encounter with the first one). Glad you sound so happy!

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  3. First off, it took me a second to realize that I didn't write the comment above. It's another Evan!

    Anyways, I told my parents about my relationship with Brian about a month after we started dating. I had the same worries as you (I didn't want to introduce them to every guy I dated), but I also felt pretty confident by that time that Brian was the right one. I actually changed my relationship status on Facebook before I told my parents. My mom noticed and asked me that way.

    I think it's fine to wait another month or so before telling your parents, but I don't think waiting much longer than that would be a good idea. Considering you are still on good terms with your parents, I feel like they do deserve to know. I think them not knowing also could be stressful on your boyfriend as well, assuming he is not in the same situation as you.

    Your parents may surprise you. My parents voluntarily asked me if Brian would like to join the family for a day at our favorite water park.. many of my siblings were also there, so Brian was able to meet most of the family that weekend. When I asked later that year if it would be okay for Brian to come home for Thanksgiving, my parents didn't hesitate at all... of course we did sleep in separate rooms, which is a condition I'll be able to tolerate until we are married. They also were able to meet Brian's mom and kids earlier this year. Those experiences have been positive.

    On the other hand, I can tell that they would prefer me to be single and celibate or married to another woman. When I first told my mom that I was dating Brian and when I told her later that I was engaged, her response was more of a flat "oh..". I sent a notice to my family that we would be getting legally married in New York next spring, and for the most part there has not been any interest by my siblings in attending. My parents haven't said a word about it.. of course I know expense is an issue and a perfectly reasonable reason not to go, but I really really wish my parents could be there. Neither of them have ever been to NYC! It'll be tough for me if they decide to not show any interest in going.

    So I guess my point is that if your parents are anything like mine, they will likely struggle.. they will probably try to accept your boyfriend in ways they feel comfortable, but they may not publicly support your relationship in the most important ways. Don't let that stop them from knowing though! They may surprise you!

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  4. I feel the same way that you do about this. My parents know I am dating, but I don't plan on really involving them in that at all unless it becomes serious. For me, that means at least 6 months to a year. My sister is convinced that they'll react a lot better than I think. Maybe... maybe not... but IMO it's just not worth the drama if the guy is going to ditch me two weeks later.

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  5. @Dean- It is interesting how social outings are sometimes harder.

    @Evan- You made amazing points that I had not considered. Thank you so much. I have begun to re-evaluate my decision on when I introduce my guy. Thank you, thank you!

    @Evan- I also did think that was you, and almost contacted you on Facebook with thanks! It is so great to hear of the your family's acceptance of Brian. It really give me hope for mine. And its true they will find their own ways to accept my guy.

    @El Genio- I agree on not wasting a good opportunity on a flake, but this guy has shown he's here for the long haul.

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