So the span of August 1st – 12th was stuffed of experiences realting to being a gay Mormon. I shared my thoughts about the conversation I had with my Mission President whilst in Utah. I revealed my changed stance on gay marriage after attending my friends gay wedding in Salt Lake. Also in that post I shared about my stream of emotional wanting for my own marriage on my drive to my family reunion in Washington State. Now I want to share about a deep and emotional conversation with my mother at the beginning of the family reunion.
I was at my sisters home in Spokane, Washington the day before the reunion was set to begin. My sisters children were playing in the front room where I was with my mom and dad (who I happen to be living with currently in Salem, Oregon). My mom asked me to follow her into the hallway off of the front room, and said she wanted to know what my mission president and I discussed and what I thought about it. I decided it would be best if we go into a private room as I knew I wanted to share my feelings about the wedding with her too.
We went into my sisters room and sat on the ground. I explained the conversation with my mission President. I told her a little bit about the wedding. She started to ask questions about where I am with the church and being gay. The conversation quickly drew tears to my eyes. I began to tell her of my overwhelming desire to be married to a man, and how for the first time I felt hope for love in my life. I couldn't stop crying as I told her for the first time in my life, I felt hope that I wouldn't have to be alone in life. I cried as I told her how much I hurt inside, knowing that having a gay child must be hard for her, but I felt an extra amount of guilt being her second gay child which I was sure caused her double the pain. My mom was crying to, softening my sobbing, telling me I shouldn't feel that way, and telling me she loves me no matter what, and she will always love me.
We embraced while sitting on the ground and cried into each others shoulders for minutes.
We talked about her worries for my eternal progression and not just temporal happiness. We talked about the blacks in the church and their being denied happiness in holding the priesthood. We talked about eternal families. We talked about a lot.
As we finished the tear filled conversation, she told me that she loves me, and will always love me, and wants me to be happy, but that she can never understand how living a life outside the gospel teachings will lead to eternal happiness. But she wanted me to know she will always be here for me no matter what I do, or who I decide to be with. I told her I understood that from her view point she was doing things from love and her wanting me to be faithful to the gospel was only from a place of love, even if I didn't agree.
We ended in a loving embrace and a few more tears.
I think that was the most open and honest I have been with my mom about being gay. We don't talk the often about it, which I appreciate. However, when we would talk in the past I would often sugar coat everything to insulate her. This conversation was very raw and candid.
I think it was healthy for her to her some hard truths about where I was and where I saw myself going in life. But It was also healthy for me to share my true feelings with her, and not have to soften my true desires.