Church Going Week 1

So I am finally moved, and settling in. I moved down on a Friday, and was expecting an invitation from my mother to come to church that first Sunday. When asked, I said that I would go with her this week, alluding to my uncertainty of any future attendance. I went, as I do anytime I visit family, to the ward I spent my latter teen years in and mingled with the adults who I now refer to by their first name. After coming home from the three hours, and letting it sink in, I began to think about the upcoming Sundays, and what I want to do. To go to church, or not to go to church.

Quite frankly, I think I would like to go to church weekly. With conditions.

I have always enjoyed Sacrament meetings. I know, that's suppose to be the most mundane and boring of the three hours right? I feel the spirit most when I sing the hymns though, and I find sacrament meeting to be the most thought provoking, even if the speaker is less than so.

I enjoy the social aspect of church. These people who walk the halls are my people. They have, for the most part, the same perspective on and feelings about life that I do. If I had to choose my group of friends between the Mormon community and the gay community, I would always choose the first.

I do have some conditions I would impose on my sabbath attendance. I am currently disfellowshipped from the church, have been for two and a half years now. I do not wish to "repent" and find my way back into full fellowship. I am very comfortable where I am right now with my relationship to the church.

I do not wish to meet with the Bishop or any other church leader for "checking in" or any other type of sit down conversation (granted my father is the Stake President). I thus would also not like to be visited by the missionaries as some sort of less active member.

What I want is to choose my level of engagement with church according to what my wants and needs are, not what the church's wants and needs are. I will choose whether I want to simply come to church and sit through meetings or whether I want anyone working with me.

And some weeks, I may not want to go at all.

Simply put leadership—leave me be. I just want to come, and enjoy church my way. If you can't handle that, then I simply won't come.

Got it?

Gosh I sound like a stuck up jerk, don't I!?