January 3, 2012

Beginning of the Middle

I originally wrote this in my personal blog, but realized it got way to heavy, and way to deep to post there. 

Freakin' heck! I'm going to be a quarter of a century old this year! In many ways I still feel like a young child, unsure of myself, still wanting mom and dad to guide me in life and not ready to make decisions for myself. I do have rare moments of self awareness that I'm making grown up decisions and need to start thinking and acting like an adult. Not in the sense that I am immature, because I am very much not, but I need to be thinking of long term repercussions of decisions.

I haven been in school studying graphic design for two full years, and then one day in class it hit me, "this isn't what I am suppose to be doing." By the end of the following week I had changed my declared major to political science (most who know me wondered why I had not done it sooner), spoke with 5 different advisors and planned out what school I needed for my masters in teaching program.

It is decisions like this that I am good with. A future with deadlines and benchmarks are easy to plan for. With school, I have graduation dates, class requirements, and a job with a very specific function.

There is other kinds decisions, decisions with no defined end. Things that are out of my control. Decisions that have no bench marks. These are what often make me feel overwhelmed. These generally have a substantial presence in my personal life. These kinds of decisions are the ones I still want to call and consulte with my mom and dad. Seek their advice and do what they tell me to do. I am not saying that is necessarily a bad thing. But it can be unhealthy when I do what they want, when I feel very opposed. When I try to please them absolute, it is unhealthy.

In some respects I have begun to make my own "life" decisions. I have not gone to church on my own for over a year now. I had largely kept this fact hidden from my parents. But over time it slipped out to my siblings, and then this past Sunday my Dad asked me about it. I told him the truth. He didn't make a big deal about it, and that was that.

I need to make more of these type of decisions on my own, and doing them because it is what I feel I should do, instead of doing something based on how I think my family will judge me.

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