In my last post I talked about my reasons why I left the Facebook MOHO group. I appreciate all comments I get, even if I don't respond individually to them. There was one comment left on that post that really woke me up to something I had not thought about before. Thank you Grant. His comment was:
"For me, I just lost the angst that kept me caring about being a gay Mormon. I don't need the conflict between the two to define me."
I had a feeling similar to diving into a cold lake when I read that. What if I am trying to make this contradiction in my life bigger and more disabling than it is, or should be? What if all this angst is more me than anything? What if I use a victims mentality to boost up myself artificially? What if I think somehow because Im gay and Mormon, I am special, different, and I deserve more attention or sympathy from people who know me? I really hate fake victims; people who use their mostly self made life problems to get attention. Am I doing something myself, that I despise in others?
For a large part, yes I am. I am a fake victim.
Yes, being a Mormon and being gay are directly opposing in theory. Being a faithful Mormon and an active gay, is a hippocratic lifestyle and two differing ideologies. So there is a bit of the victim-ness that is warranted.
There is truth that I am making more of the situation than is necessary. I have been trying to define myself as a gay Mormon. That is exactly what I professed not to do. I didn't want to become that person whose identity is being a gay Mormon. Now that I have realized that I have allowed myself to victimize myself, I need to step back and reassess my situation and how I view myself.