July 1, 2011

Creating A Conflict

In my last post I talked about my reasons why I left the Facebook MOHO group. I appreciate all comments I get, even if I don't respond individually to them. There was one comment left on that post that really woke me up to something I had not thought about before. Thank you Grant. His comment was:

"For me, I just lost the angst that kept me caring about being a gay Mormon. I don't need the conflict between the two to define me."

I had a feeling similar to diving into a cold lake when I read that. What if I am trying to make this contradiction in my life bigger and more disabling than it is, or should be? What if all this angst is more me than anything? What if I use a victims mentality to boost up myself artificially? What if I think somehow because Im gay and Mormon, I am special, different, and I deserve more attention or sympathy from people who know me? I really hate fake victims; people who use their mostly self made life problems to get attention. Am I doing something myself, that I despise in others?

For a large part, yes I am. I am a fake victim. 

Yes, being a Mormon and being gay are directly opposing in theory. Being a faithful Mormon and an active gay, is a hippocratic lifestyle and two differing ideologies. So there is a bit of the victim-ness that is warranted. 


There is truth that I am making more of the situation than is necessary. I have been trying to define myself as a gay Mormon. That is exactly what I professed not to do. I didn't want to become that person whose identity is being a gay Mormon. Now that I have realized that I have allowed myself to victimize myself, I need to step back and reassess my situation and how I view myself.


  1. Good stuff, great realization. I guess I'm lucky I never saw anything "special" in being a gay Mormon. It just is, it's just a part of my life. Still gives me stuff to ponder ...

  2. Interesting. I need to learn how to do the same. I'm still trying to live both "lifestyles" and it's killing me. I need to choose one; which means...the other has to die.

    Wow. Sounds like Harry Potter.

  3. Good introspection. I catch myself indulging in a little self-victimization sometimes. I think anytime we deal with something difficult that's an easy thing to fall into. Just a natural pride thing, I think, even if it comes from a direction we may not be as used to.

  4. I really don't find myself fitting into any popular point of view about being Mormon and gay. If you look at the polar extremes, they both seem to be heavily into the idea that dealing with the two sides of myself is the hardest thing anyone can be called upon to do. I just don't see it as all that hard. I choose what I want my life to be and am happy with what I've chosen. Nothing could be less miserable. I'm even happy with the paradoxes I face. It's just good to be me. I tend to avoid conversations that play into anything that makes it sound like life is all misery.

  5. Andy, I'm curious. Why does one have to die?

  6. @Kim– You're right it isnt special, but its is different, which sorta makes it special.

    @Andy– Almost everyone I talk to says I have to pic one or the other. A few have seem to find a balance. I refuse to have to kill a part of myself (of which being gay and being a Mormon are both parts of who I am).

    @Trev– Cool name ;) You're right it is natural to sometimes self victimize, but if one lets it go on to long, its a bad thing.

    @Rex– Thats very lucky that you find having those two aspects be part of who you are. I don't think I make life a misery for myself, in fact, I love my life, but there are two opposing ideologies.

  7. I hope I didn't create some defensiveness in you. I don't see your posts as laden with misery. You are very balanced. My problem has to do with the extremes of the two positions, which I don't think has anything to do with your approach.

  8. @Rex- I didn't feel any defensiveness.