December 7, 2010

Tough Lessons Learned... I Hope



Why is it that we learn the most about ourselves in the hardest moments of life? Why can't they be learned when we are having fun? Sometimes I think this whole life is backwards.

Last night, I felt the most vulnerable then I have felt, well in a long time. I broke up with my boyfriend. I must be a horrible breaker-upper, cause it only lasted for twenty minuets.

Before I get into the nitty gritty, I have to say something that was absolutely funny. When I had broken up with him, I went to give him a hug, and I had left my Pandora open and this death sounding, eerie song started playing. I laughed and said "This song is quite fitting huh?"

So, I would like to share every detail that transpired that night, but I need to respect his privacy and probably my own and not share that stuff. But I did learn somethings about myself.

I am still too selfish to be in a loving relationship. I want to do what I want, when I want and I don't like having to think about someone else when I make decisions.

I have some major scheduling complex. I mentioned to my boyfriend about how stressed I get when my planning goes to pot and he was great with accommodating. I told him some examples of my serious issues. I wake up early so that I can have 10 minuets with nothing to do before I need to walk out the door, so that I can get to the bus stop with 5 minuets of nothing to do before the bus gets there. I will sacrifice sleep to keep those buffers in my schedule. I also panic if I am even running on time. I would rather arrive 20 minuets early and sit in a parking lot then show up on time. Crazy I know, but its me.

I also learned that I am not very good with letting people care about me. My boyfriend explained to me how much he cares about me, and I can't really comprehend it. I am so use to taking care of myself that I don't know how to let someone else care for me.

So after trying to break up with my boyfriend because of my own issues and some other reasons which will stay between the two of us, we are still together, and I am so lucky (even if I don't know it) to have him. I keep telling him he must be mentally delayed to even be into me.


  1. We have those in our lives to help level us out. You're very blessed

  2. It's called independence, which is a good trait to have. I think it will be best if you learn to rely on others more, but never lose your independence. From what I've observed, a lot of gay men don't have independence and are completely dependent on their boyfriends or partners. I personally do not believe that is healthy.

  3. Hopefully you'll be able to find that balance. Relationships take a lot of give and take, and you'll be able to see that your partner's happiness will also make you happy.