There are those moments in life where things that change around us create a change within us. We cannot always stop the change around us, as those things are controlled by outside variables. However, the change that occurs within us are manipulable enough that we can still control the final outcome within ourselves.
The outside changes around me lately, have been triggered by myself, but also by outside factors.
Example #1 - My lease on my apartment was up (affected somewhat by me), and rent was going up $100 (outside variable).
Example #2 - I have an openly gay roommate who is not and never has been Mormon (both affect by me and out of my control).
Example #3 - I have a boyfriend (affected by me).
These three events have all happened within close proximity to each other, and have and will have a profound effect on my life.
#1- I cannot control the economy or the prices of my rent and while I picked the time I moved into that apartment a year ago, I cannot control that the lease was up a year later. However small these events may be they rolled into more decisions, namely #2. While I had a heck of a time finding a roommate, I ultimately settled on my current roommate, Alex. I could have said no, and risked having to move home for a month, and possibly lose my job, but I took a risk that will now affect my life for years to come.
Alex is a great guy, but living with someone who is openly gay will affect me, and just how it will affect me can still be up to me. First it will affect my families perception of me. Choosing to live with an open gay guy will worry them of course, and in their minds see as me giving up on the church. This however is not so. It was a string of events and a necessity to find someone to live with in a short amount of time that lead me here.
I can choose to open myself up to the world that will inevitably be opened up to me, and choose to drift further away from the gospel life I know and love. Or I can choose to stay the course that I set out for myself while opening my mind to another way of living; I suppose the phrase "in the world not of the world" would be a fit.
Now while I have mentioned the "gay" world being open to me, there are other issues that living with Alex present, and which I will not discusse and this time, just know that they are far from the life of any Mormon.
#3 - I chose to initiate a relationship, and I am choosing to nourish it. This has affected my life already in many ways. While my family is not aware of the relationship, and for a long time will not be aware of it, it no doubt will affect them and me. Time can only tell what will become of it.
All that I know, is that I have the determination and desire to continue the path I have been on for some time now. I have no desire to rebel against the things that I hold dear to me. I am not making these decisions in life to act against anyone or anything. I hope that I never act with the intent of rebelling or acting to hurt someone or something (the church). If I ever make decisions with those intents then I have stopped making rational decisions.