October 13, 2010




The title kinda sums up my emotional feelings today. This morning I attended a funeral for one of my best friends, whose father past away. It was a beautiful service. I got to give him and his wife a big hug before the service. I felt... warm inside, that I was able to give a little tiny bit of my strength to him in that hug. I also gave them a hug afterwards and spoke with them. He is going to do just fine. Im proud of him.

I have never lost anyone close to me, so this situation has been very hard for me as I don't know how best to help him in this time of loss.

The service was special. All the children spoke. My eyes were moist and my mind raced with love and affection for my own family as I listened to their memories, and watched their tears, but I also witnessed and felt of their strength as they spoke. I walked away from this experience with a uplifted heart.

As my father was driving to the train station to come back home, he asked me how I was. This is a normal question he asks. However, when he asks a second time, I know what kinda of talk its going to turn into. He asked me how I was spiritually.

I answered as honestly as I could with out giving to much detail. I simply said, "Im the same as before." Which translated means "in the middle". My father said he noticed I was suffering and that my countenance was dark. I instantly became defensive.

"Why, because of my shoes?" (I wore slip on converse shoes to the funeral and the past couple of Sunday I was with them).

He said that he could tell I wasn't keeping my covenants. I asked when he could see this "darkness". He mention when I picked him and my mother up at the airport. Trying to cover myself I told him I was tired. He said, he knew, but he could tell I had not been keeping my temple covenants that weekend.

"F*ck," I thought. He was right.

We had a discussion about my issues. I told him not to worry I still feel the same about the church (that it is true).

He responded, "Yes, but that will go next."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it always does."

F*ck. He was right again. I had been asking more questions and coming up with more issues.

We talked some more, and we both thought maybe I need to talk to a councilor about the things I have questions for. He of course offered to answer them, but I told him I want to talk to someone that I don't have to carry on a normal relationship with. I hate discussing sensitive issues and being honest with my feelings about them, with someone that I then have to see in the outside world. So that nicks Bishop and family off the list.

That ride home, I text someone who I have a deep respect and friendship with. Just being able to tell him about my feelings and loneliness and emotions, already began to make me feel more comfortable. Ironically, in writing this now, I think, "see if I had a boyfriend or partner, I can have that person I care about to talk with."

So yeah I think I am going to seek out a councilor, so that I can work through my feelings. Its not to fix my feelings or change my feelings, simply to figure them out. My feelings are there are two sides telling me what to do. One side is the gospel telling me to follow it and find eternal happiness. Then the world is telling me to follow it and find fulfillment in life. Why can't I find what I want, or what God wants for me.


  1. Trevor,

    i feel of your anguish, your unsettledness. I've felt it so often in my life that I reading your words evoke strong emotions within me. I hope that whatever decisions you make you won't take a long as I did to make them or put yourself through as much torment as I did before finding what truly brings me happiness.

    Please don't make the mistake I did of throwing out spiritual belief out of frustration at attempts to reconcile my religion with my natural desires. They are not mutually exclusive. All of us have a spiritual core that needs nourished as surely as our physical bodies need food.

    God is Father of us all, no matter the life choices we make. Maintain your spiritual balance, however/where ever you might find it.

    You will find your path, and it will be right for YOU. It might sound a bit trite right now, but it does get better.

  2. A few weeks after I started dating Michael, I had lunch with some friends from my freshman year who I hadn't seen in 2 1/2 years because of my mission. One of these girls who was about to leave for her own mission told me that she couldn't believe how much my countenance had changed. She didn't know I was gay or that I was dating a man--she only knew that I looked healthy and full of life. She told me I was glowing and must be filled with the Holy Spirit. She assumed it was some sort of recent RM thing, but I knew that it was because I was falling in love for the first time.

    There was no light in my eyes when I was caught in a cycle of shame, repression, confusion, and indecision. That inner light only came when I started living intentionally and honestly and when I opened myself up to love.

    Guilt is not always evidence of wrong doing--sometimes it is evidence of wrong thinking. That's not to say there is no such thing as right and wrong, but I do think many gay Mormons create needless shame for themselves. This shame is not productive--it is destructive.

  3. The face is a mirror to the soul, but what it is mirroring always seems to be the question. I've no doubt your father may be an insightful man, but I'm not sure his suggested path will lead to your personal joy happiness and satisfaction. Best wishes as you find it yourself.