September 3, 2010

Tonights Potpourri

I have not written in a while. Tonight, I want to write, so I suppose that is the right time to write. However, I have such a wide range of things I wanna say, I will have to do multiple, small, themes.


Gay Mormons:
When I first stumbled across the world of Moho's I was excited to find people like me. As time as gone on, I came to realize while we shared a common history, most moho's have a different present then I have. I feel like I am on the outside of the mainstream for gay mormons (who blog). In saying this I am not saying I wish I was like everyone else, because I don't. I just realize I am not like most who blog. I value diversity and learning from others points of view and experiences, sometimes it gets... lonely? (for lack of a better word). Let me put it this way, I don't find much to relate to with other mohos.
I don't have the same views on the church. I don't have the same views on the gay community. This is fine, this is even good. I don't want everyone to be homogeneous.

This is not directed at anyone in particular, and this should not be viewed as a hate post, because it is not. Infact, there are a few moho's that I feel I have formed a strong friendship to, even though we differ in views. I just get the feeling when I read others blogs, that I am in such a different, under populated, wing of the moho party.

On one hand I feel like I need to be a voice for those who tend to side with my line of thinking on the church and issues, so that "we" don't feel alone, (because that is the purpose of the moho world right?). On the other hand it makes me want to not participate, because I am a sore thumb on the issues and constantly disagreeing with what seems like everyone.



Relationship Update:
Of course the song by Alanis Morissette - Ironic, comes to mind when I consider the last post I wrote. Just as I realize I am not ready for a relationship, not equipped for it, I have two inquires for a relationship.
Suitor #1- A friend from middle and high school. We were acquaintances in school, both sang in choir, and performed on stage together, and through a choir trip, came to find out we were both gay. When I moved to Oregon, we stayed in contact. We have maintained this communication in tact since then, but we have always lived a great distance apart. When ever we happen to be in the same area, we always get together for a quick reunion. That usually involves making out, but also catching up and just enjoying each others company.

He has always been my back up plan. I know I can always count on him to be there. He is my fail safe. I do have feelings for him, but they are not strong. He is just, there, and I know it, and appreciate it. I can see us being together, but I don't get butterflies. Its almost just a fact I know I can count on.

We have spoken about future plans together, while both realizing the current circumstances don't allow it. It is almost like we are wishful thinking, but yet we still talk of the future, which includes us being together.

Suitor #2- I met this boy 6 months ago. We met online, and chatted. We chatted a lot. We began talking on the phone, a lot. So much that I had to add him to my caller list, so I would not go over my family plan minuets. We met in person, and instantly knew there was something special. I can't describe the feeling. I just know it was good, and I have not felt it before, nor since.

The best part, is he feels the same. Well actually, there is a little history I need to include. He is he drunk dial boy. After the first month we met, he went to travel to North Carolina to help a friend who was pregnant. He was gone for over a month. The first three weeks we talked nearly every night. Then, he said he thinks we should back up and try being friends first. So we took a step back. Then we just lost touch.

I would FB message him every so often, and found out he was dating a guy. A month later he broke it off because this guy wasn't the right one for him. Our communication through this, was still slim. Until recently, we have been back in communication and he admitted his feelings for me (from the beginning) are true, and he can't explain them. I feel the same way.

We are still going to work on the basic friendship and what not, but there is something more. And this is something, as I said before, I have not felt before. It feels good, it feels safe, it feels... wonderful.


I'm tired of typing, so thats all for now. :)

1 comment:

  1. I listen to the first part of your post and I know that you and I tend to be on opposite ends of the spectrum with regard to the church. Like you though I gain something from reading other's points of views.

    I then listen to the second part of the post and I am happy that you have found this guy.

    I start to wonder though how you can hold your beliefs in the church yet be excited about this relationship. The dichotomy tore me apart for a long time. I really am just curious as to how you reconcile being gay and being a fairly orthodox believer. I feel like if you really and truly believe in the church you can't have your gay cake and eat it too... You can't be gay, out and in relationships while being an orthodox Mormon at least not without eventually running into problems.

    If exed or disfellowshipped it becomes even harder to reconcile the two sides.

    You bring up important issues.