June 14, 2010
Biggest Worry Recycled
One of my biggest fears, before I was out to my family, was that some how, through the nasty grape vine, it would get back to one of my siblings that I was gay. I didn't want my siblings to know out of fear, rejection, shame, and I knew I would feel guilty for not being able to tell them on my own time and in my own way.
I told all my siblings, in February, my own way, and at my own pace.
For a little while this openness allowed me to go on an outing spree. I was finally able to muster the courage to tall a handful of my close friends. I had no fear of my siblings finding out, because they already knew. This feeling of freedom to tell who I wanted to tell and when I wanted to was liberating... at first.
Now I live under another fear. A fear so close to the first fear that it confuses me. I fear that some how, through the nasty grape vine, it will get back to one of my siblings that I am gay. (Sounds a lot like my first fear right?)
It is an odd phenomenon, how them hearing from someone, besides me, that I am gay would worry me, seeing as how they already know. But I see it, this time, from their perspective. Their friends asking them if there little brother is gay could be very awkward for them. The questions that would follow, out of curiosity, might make them uncomfortable. I don't see this as a sign of their shame (because of me), or their homophobia. It is just awkward, for anyone.
While I still only tell people based on a certain criteria (how close they are to me, how often I see or talk to them, etc.) this hasn't stopped me from telling anyone. However it is still a real worry I have for my siblings.
I want to hear from you:
Have you had a similar fear? What are your thoughts about my worry?