June 14, 2010

Biggest Worry Recycled

One of my biggest fears, before I was out to my family, was that some how, through the nasty grape vine, it would get back to one of my siblings that I was gay. I didn't want my siblings to know out of fear, rejection, shame, and I knew I would feel guilty for not being able to tell them on my own time and in my own way.

I told all my siblings, in February, my own way, and at my own pace.

For a little while this openness allowed me to go on an outing spree. I was finally able to muster the courage to tall a handful of my close friends. I had no fear of my siblings finding out, because they already knew. This feeling of freedom to tell who I wanted to tell and when I wanted to was liberating... at first.

Now I live under another fear. A fear so close to the first fear that it confuses me. I fear that some how, through the nasty grape vine, it will get back to one of my siblings that I am gay. (Sounds a lot like my first fear right?)

It is an odd phenomenon, how them hearing from someone, besides me, that I am gay would worry me, seeing as how they already know. But I see it, this time, from their perspective. Their friends asking them if there little brother is gay could be very awkward for them. The questions that would follow, out of curiosity, might make them uncomfortable. I don't see this as a sign of their shame (because of me), or their homophobia. It is just awkward, for anyone.

While I still only tell people based on a certain criteria (how close they are to me, how often I see or talk to them, etc.) this hasn't stopped me from telling anyone. However it is still a real worry I have for my siblings.

I want to hear from you:

Have you had a similar fear? What are your thoughts about my worry?


  1. Although I wouldn't call this a personal fear, it is something I worry about from time to time. Not really with regard to my siblings, but with my parents. How do they feel when someone asks if I'm married, what I'm doing in church these days, or if I'm dating anyone? I wish they were in a place that could be more supportive of me, and of them.

    I have no solutions on how to resolve this, and I'm not really sure that it can be completely erased. The church does great things for my parents and I'm not about to suggest that they abandon it. I'm also not going to run back into the closet, I can't live my entire life for them.

  2. I understand what you are talking about. I have actually witnessed these sorts of conversations. Back when I was still attending church my mom and aunt had just such a conversation about the inactivity of one of my cousins. It was not about my cousin being gay but it was about how he was no longer attending church... "How is he doing? What is he doing? I will keep praying for him? What a tough trial. " Then they cried on each other's shoulders... ANY child in the church who rebels becomes the topic of these sorts of conversations.

    I am sorry that you are dealing with this fear. It is one that I think all of us have on some level. ((hugs))

  3. I know what you mean. In fact I had someone in my ward lean over to a girl i was talking to (after I stood up to get some water) and he whispered to her "You know that David is Gay right?" It kind of hurts as a fear but then I realized that my friends and my family members are strong enough to deal with it as they choose and that I don't worry about their reactiosn because I trust them to do what they feel is best.
    It really comes down to trust Quinn.

  4. @ El Genio - I dont see it as a church problem at all, just a general awkwardness with anyone, mormon or not.

    @ Reina - It is one we all have at some point or another. I dont imagine myself ever over coming it too, but time will tell :)

    @David - That is a little rude if you ask me. Its like saying, "are you sure you wanna talk to him because he is gay?"