March 1, 2010

Winding Path

There isn't much in life that I don't take a firm position. Particularly in politics, I am quite the firm foundation. I am even firm when it comes to my position with the Church. I know it's true. No if's and's or butt's. If I know it is true then when is it so hard to follow the gospel? Here lays my problem.

I am very much like this river and road. I keep switching courses. Its not every 5 years or so, or even every year that I switch. It seems like every other week. I am all gun-ho about the church and following what I believe are divinely appointed standards, then the next week I am gun-ho about finding me a boy friend.

I would love to settle down. It's in my nature. My brother had everyone in the family take a survey once. It was a survey to tell us how we are built and how we function. I came out as a concrete-structure type. Meaning I don't deal with change well. The whole issue with coming to Portland State is example enough.

Why then, can't I make my freakin mind up! I know that a decision needs to take its time. Honestly I will never choose to walk out on the church. It will be in making other choices, like finding a boyfriend or having sex, that I will have to leave the church. But I will never be because I believe the church is wrong... Because it's not.

I don't see why I can't just decide to stay in the church. Well ok, I know why I am not making that decision, but I don't know why it shouldn't be easier. I guess what I'm trying to say is Im hating having to be in between.

I suppose if my life were a straight (no bun intended) course, it would not create a beautiful landscape of conscience, or add diversity to the neighborhood of experiences. I suppose one day I will look back at this struggle and see the purpose of all of this, and be thankful that I was able to experience the full spectrum of this situation.

1 comment:

  1. Staying in the church isn't a decision--it's a lifetime of decisions, because you're gay, and you're always going to long for a relationship that feels natural to you. You'll find that every day is a struggle between your heart and your mind (or your spirit, if you prefer).

    Choosing to have that relationship is a decision. It's final. It closes the door (not permanently, granted, but at least somewhat resoundingly) on the church. It has some finality to it.

    So far you've never really chosen anything but the church. You may have wavered slightly in that decision, but you've never really renounced it. So you've had to re-choose every day.

    If you don't want to face this decision every day for the rest of your life, you need to follow your heart and make the choice that allows your true nature to be satisfied. That's where you'll find closure and peace.

    Whether that closure and peace is worth the sacrifice you'll make (in the loss of fellowship, etc.) is entirely up to you.

    (I don't believe, though, that choosing a relationship--and losing the church--needs to mean losing your relationship with God. The church teaches us that we can have a personal relationship with Him. If that's true, then the church's role as an intercessor is not entirely necessary).