March 1, 2010
There isn't much in life that I don't take a firm position. Particularly in politics, I am quite the firm foundation. I am even firm when it comes to my position with the Church. I know it's true. No if's and's or butt's. If I know it is true then when is it so hard to follow the gospel? Here lays my problem.
I am very much like this river and road. I keep switching courses. Its not every 5 years or so, or even every year that I switch. It seems like every other week. I am all gun-ho about the church and following what I believe are divinely appointed standards, then the next week I am gun-ho about finding me a boy friend.
I would love to settle down. It's in my nature. My brother had everyone in the family take a survey once. It was a survey to tell us how we are built and how we function. I came out as a concrete-structure type. Meaning I don't deal with change well. The whole issue with coming to Portland State is example enough.
Why then, can't I make my freakin mind up! I know that a decision needs to take its time. Honestly I will never choose to walk out on the church. It will be in making other choices, like finding a boyfriend or having sex, that I will have to leave the church. But I will never be because I believe the church is wrong... Because it's not.
I don't see why I can't just decide to stay in the church. Well ok, I know why I am not making that decision, but I don't know why it shouldn't be easier. I guess what I'm trying to say is Im hating having to be in between.
I suppose if my life were a straight (no bun intended) course, it would not create a beautiful landscape of conscience, or add diversity to the neighborhood of experiences. I suppose one day I will look back at this struggle and see the purpose of all of this, and be thankful that I was able to experience the full spectrum of this situation.