March 6, 2010

First "real" Kiss

Before I had turned 12 I had kissed many times. A young neighborhood boy, numerous times. A truth or dare game where I was the only boy. A my bff (girl) at church when we were 7. None of these fall under my category of first kiss. What makes a kiss a first kiss is my full knowledge of what I am doing, and my willful participation in it.

So here is the story of my first "real" kiss. In telling this story of mine I have hesitated to say who it was with. I hesitate because this person is... kinda famous now. So as to not draw attention to this post from anyone outside the MOHO world I will not include his name, only this poster, which his picture is on. I didn't want this to become a name dropping either... I do it with only the best of intentions, and because it makes it all the most interesting!

Before I moved to Salem, Oregon, I had been on a old site,, which offered a small gay dating site for young gay teens. I started to find "friends" in Salem, and found one boy who was attending the same high school I was going to attend. (We will call him Surfer). We chatted quite a bit, but never exchanged photos, because we were both in the closet. The day before school started I had to go to school to get my picture taken. As I walked up to the school I saw this really cute boy with three other girls. My gay-dar sent off a mild alarm, and I told myself, "how funny would it be if this kid was it."

Through my chats with Surfer I had learned that he was on the student council, and learned a few other things from him. He also knew a little about me. Well on the first day of class I walked into choir and instantly this cute boy (who we will call David) who I had seen the other day, came up to me with another girl and introduced themselves. Again my gay-dar sent me an alarm when he and I talked.

Since I had gone to church the Sunday before school started I met a girl (we will call Sara), and we hit it off really well. She was also in choir, and offered to have me come eat lunch with her friends after class. Low-and-behold, David was Sara's best friend in the whole school. Over that next week Sara and I became really close, mainly due to the fact we both had crushes on each other. (Yes my crush was genuine and still is to this day).

P.S. This will get to the kiss part, but this is all vital information (I feel).

Over time Sara began to tell me that David was upset because he felt like I was stealing his BFF. In a sign of friendship towards David, when he showed up one morning to school I ran and gave him a hug and said I missed him. This hug was totally casual and had no gay overtones. Things eased up a bit after that between David and I, although we never became the best of buds in school.

Online though, I began to talk more and more with Surfer, and we talked about wanting to meet each other. I told him that he reminded me of someone I had met, and he said the same about me. After a few minuets of promising we would never out each other, I asked Surfer if he was David... and it was. The next day at school we acted as if nothing had changed between us.

October came around and my parents were going to spend all day Saturday at the church building to watch General Conference. I told them I wanted to stay home, and figured this would be a perfect opportunity to invite David over. David and I had talked about kissing, but we didn't feel like we could at school, for fear of being caught. So I invited him over to my house while my parents would be gone.

David came over and brought a movie to watch, "I know what you did last summer." I remember the shirt I wore, it was my favorite green plaid shirt. I put on my cologne and brushed my teeth right before he got there. Ten minuets into the movie, David, said, "well, we might as well get going with it." We then went to my bedroom, and I told him how I had never kissed a guy before, and I really didn't know what to do. He leaned in and gave me a peck. He leaned back and asked how that was. I told him it was really nice. We started to kiss more. We ended up laying down on the bed, he on top of me, kissing, with tongue.

We decided to try kissing out on the couch. We stayed in that spot for only a few minuets and then we went to the one place that to us, was forbidden.... my parents room! We began kissing on my parents bed and this continued for a few minuets. We finally finished by cuddling and talking. I remember asking if he could ever see us a boy friends. He said he didn't know but possibly.

After a little bit, he left, and I remember sitting on the couch, taking in deep breathes. His cologne had rubbed off on my shirt and taking in deep breathes allowed me to smell it. I told myself I would not wash this shirt for as long as possible so I could keep his smell with me.
The following Monday, in the class we had together, he walked in, smiled, waved, and sat on the other side of the room. That was the last bit of communication we had for a long time.
After that, we became very disconnected. We only talked in choir, because we sang in the same section, and were folder partners. But our relationship became more of a competition, for what I still don't know.

A few months later, my attraction to Sara grew, and her attraction for me grew too. We decided to try dating. The day after we became official, I got a call from David. He said I can't date his BFF, because I am gay and I would hurt her. I tried to reassure him that I really did like Sara, and it was a genuine attraction. He told me if I did not dump her, he would out me to everyone in school. So I told him fine. 

The next day I broke up with Sara and we both decided we still wanted to be best friends.

Flash forward to 2008, 3 years after graduating high school, and 4 years after this whole ordeal. Sara ended up telling me she had been living with her girl friend for the past year, while I was on my mission. I also came out to her in the same conversation. She asked some questions, and then brought up the name David. She asked how he knew I was gay. Apparently, the conversation David had with me, telling me I needed to break up with Sara, he had done on speaker phone with Sara listening. She said at that point she suspected, but still was not sure it was true.

She asked how in the world David would have known I was gay. I proceeded to tell her the story I have just told all of you.

A few days later, Sara called me and said she had talked to David, and he denied everything. He said we had never kissed, and he called me a liar. She said she believed me, because David had lied to her so much before, and I had no reason to lie to her.

I apologize that this was so long, but hopefully it was worth reading for you. I believe it is important to know all the details of my first "real" kiss, to grasp the full effect it had on me.


  1. First "real" kisses are amazing!

    Thank you for sharing your story. :)

    I hope you are doing well. I know you have not written much more about your "stuff" with the church discipline, but I hope you are hanging in there and that things are getting better for you.

    After I broke up with a woman a couple of years back, I also went to my Bishop and had to go through a period of about 8 months where I had to meet with him. When I first told him about the nature of my relaitonship with her as a gay woman, I was lucky in that I got to "spill the beans" in an e-mail to him. But, when I met with him in private, I never did have to go through them again. I was very honest with him in my e-mail, though, so he did know everything.

    The reason I am telling you all of this is I have pretty well been in the same position in which you find yourself now. It does get better. If you want it to.

    Hoping you have a good night! me

  2. P.S. Aw, can't you tell us which one? Dan or Chris? Both are very handsome men and I can certainly see the attraction! Even as a gay woman! :)

  3. awww.... such a cute story... then kinda sad.