February 1, 2010

When Saw We Thee a Stranger

Yesterday when I was headed to church, I text a few of my fellow gay church friends and told them

"I have never wanted to skip church so much since going to this ward."

I thought of posting a post about how uninvited I feel there, how no one will talk to me, However, there were some positive advancements yesterday, and instead of being a drag, I wanna be more positive.

First let me say that I totally understand and accept that I share in the blame. It is a mutual responsibility. That being said, I feel the ward has an advantage and therefore has more weight in their responsibility. Let me share in what ways things had slightly improved.

Because I take the bus to church I always arrive 20 minuets early. So I go into the chapel and sit listening to the organ. I always sit towards the middle of the pew, allowing space on either side of me for people to sit. However every Sunday (this was the 4th) there is either one person who sits far away or no one on the pew with me when church starts.

Same situation with Sunday school and priesthood. When ever someone looks at me I smile letting people know I'm friendly.

The few times anyone ever came to talk to me was to ask if I could help pass the sacrament, or to give me my home teaching assignment.

So what made this Sunday different? While walking in the hall to Sunday school, a guy behind me said, "Hey, you're Quinn right?"

It was my home teaching companion, who had been pointed out to me the previous week. Let me describe this guy cause its really funny, in a col way.

Picture in your mind a California surfer dude. That's him. Seriously. Long blonde hair about shoulder length. Khaki church pants, dark hiking socks and sandals. Even his name matches his overall look, but Ill just use his first letter, S.

He was really chill, very kind and got to know me and I him. He talked about meeting with some of our home teachies after church. He sat by me in Sunday school, and is also a new move in and only knows a couple of people.

After church we home taught two brothers, one is in the Elders Quorum Pres. and is very social and sweet. When I say sweet I mean after we finished home teaching he gave us hugs, and they were genuine hugs. I also had quite a good conversation with his younger brother who was interested in my field of study at school.

So, if you are feeling lonely in your ward?

Suggestion #1 - Do your home teaching!

Cheesy I know, but I helped. As we home teach more people on our list, I will get to know more people, and more people will know me.

While going to church in this ward is still daunting, it is slowly.... SLOWLY..... getting better.

While I am not ready to jump with ward members like in this picture --->

I will get there in time.

P.S. I have a date set for a bishopric disciplinary counsel in two weeks as part of the repentance process. I have tried to be very open and honest with my bishop with my feelings and thoughts, and he has been great. He said this is part of the process to repent and I believe he has only my best intentions at heart. However, I'm scared as hell, but I know its got to be done.

P.P.S. A girl I met at institute is in my ward (who I think is the Stake President's daughter and therefore I think maybe he told her to befriend me, but I'm not sure), and while not the friendliest person she does a little. Well she sat two rows in front of my during the combined RS and Priesthood class. She was sitting with two girls and one guy. This guy I pegged from the first Sunday I was there as gay, but of course I'm to shy to say hi. Well she turned around and asked how I was, and then introduced me to her friend J, and only J. She didn't even mention her two girl friends, only the pegged gay guy. While I was more than happy to shake his hand and exchange names, it made me wonder if she has guessed I'm gay and therefore is trying to introduce me to the other gay guy?! Who knows... but boy I hope so!!!