January 9, 2010

This Is Not How I Want To Live

One of the things that puzzles me the most, is this (my current life) is not how I want to live. I'm not referencing my attraction to men, I'm referring to the choices I am making now.

I have come to terms with liking men, however the choices I am making, which include: searching out for, meeting with, and then making out with men, is not what I want for myself.

So then I beg the question, why, If I don't want this, am I doing it, repeatedly?

I assume this is what I was taught in primary. When you give Satan a little control, by giving into some temptation, you slowly lose control of your choices.

Is it possible to be addicted to meeting men and fooling around? (No sex involved).

Yes it is.
So am I addicted to it?

How did I get here?

Not reading my scriptures, not praying, and not taking control of my choices. I always find find an excuse to rationalize my choices. There are none to be used except for my own poor choices.

I made a decision in my head that I wanted to talk to the Bishop about my recent addiction, but I chickened out and canceled the first meeting, and I skipped church last week, because I was feeling rebellious.

I want to talk to him, I want help, I want to partake of the Atonement, and gain back the gift of the Holy Ghost. I want to be with my family when they go to the Temple. I want to take the sacrament without feeling guilty. I want to be at my BFF's sealing. I want to embrace my Father in Heaven and have him wipe my tears as I collapse from exhaustion from my earthly life. I want to tell him I did it, and have him say, "I always knew you could!"

I need to stop watching my life from the sidelines, and feeling gut wrenched that I'm doing things I don't want to do. I need to take control. I want to take control.



  1. I want to say something, but I don't know what. Its worth it. Its hard. You're not the only one who feels like you do, and wants to climb back. You can do it, and the result will worth it. God is there. God wants to bless us.

    Good luck

  2. Quinn, If you want to change something about yourself you need others to help you. This is a simple fact whether it is a New Year's Resolution to workout or to recover from addiction.
    When I resolved to tell my bishop everything that I had been doing at BYU I called him directly and set up the appointment and then I told him this: "If I try to cancel or during the meeting don't talk, don't let me!"

    While the following year after that talk was one of my toughest, it was also one that made me stronger. I was able to work with my bishop and stake president regularly to recover from the addiction that I had slipped into.

    While there may not be an excuse to rationalize you choices, doing the basics are what help you recover. It isn't the grand sweeping trip to the gym that gets you fit, it is the daily dedication to your goal.

    My mother always used to teach us responsibility. She would consistently tell us "if you can't do the small things like take out the trash, how do you expect to be able to do the big things?"

    If you know what you want in this world then all you need to do is put one foot in front of another. But as C.S. Lewis said; "We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive."

    I know it sounds corny, but your life is what is happening while you wait to change it. If that is where you want to be then take a breath, take the plunge and change.

    If you take stock of your life you realize that your netflix queue is similar to your life. "The end of your list is the person you want to be—Eraserhead, the eight-hour BBC Bleak House, the complete Werner Herzog—while the top is the person you actually are: Wedding Crashers, Scary Movie 4, The Bridges of Madison County." If you want to change, if you want to be that person, take a tangible step. Turn things upside down and create order from the new chaos.


  3. Have you considered the possibility (not saying this is right, but just the possibility) that you keep doing some of these things because that's really where your heart is and your heart knows what would make you happiest more than your head does?

    Again, not sayin' this is right. Just have you even allowed yourself to consider this?

  4. Sounds like things are a little messy. I totally agree with what's been said already. I couldn't have put it any better.

    Good luck.

  5. J4K- Thank you for your support.

    BB- I agree telling someone is important. I suppose it's always a shame, guilty, or change of mind that stops me. Last time I set an appointment, I changed my mind and decided that I wanted to continue in my ways.

    Alan- I have considered that. In fact I have lived with that thought in my head for the past two months while I lived alone in Portland. While I understand some of us find that living that way is a liberation, for me it is not.

    I have a strong testimony of the church, I know it's true, no question. So by telling myself I am following my heart is not possible. Because my heart is in the church.

    I have toyed with the idea of just going inactive and living this life, but in so doing I am ignoring the feelings of my heart.

    Boskers- :) you're awesome buddy.

    I wrote this blog late last night/early morning. When I awoke this morning I received an e-mail from my father, who is a Stake Pres, and who knows of my struggle.

    He always has a sense of when I'm struggling, and always sends words of encouragement. While I don't always agree 100% with what he says or how he sees the situation, I enteralize his message and it always is a moral booster.

    I have decided to meet with my bishop after church tomorrow. I pray I don't chicken out, and ask for your prayers out there that I can do it, because I want to!

  6. Quinn,
    Many great responses. It sounds to me like you know what you ultimately want in life. I pray you have the strength to go for it.

    You're a good man. You can achieve your desires. It isn't easy. I've been there myself. Remember the feelings of the spirit you have felt in the past, and rely on them to help you make the necessary changes. During the process of change, you will have additional witnesses of the spirit that will sustain you.

    Let me know if I can ever be of help. I am cheering for you!

  7. Did you keep your appointment with the bishop Quinn?

  8. I kept the appointment, and met with Bishop. He was great.

    Sadly, now I have to live with some consequences of my actions, but I am on the right path.

    My Bishop and Dad are there for me encouraging me on.

  9. I'm glad that you kept with what you think is best. I read the other comments today and While I think rob may have been a little blunt with it I do think that we all need to ask ourselves those questions. I am glad that you have and know where you feel you should be. It i snot an easy road at all (like any are!)but I wish you luck on that path. I do know many who have a strong testimony of the gospel who are actively seeking for a marriage partner and so while it may not be what you feel is right I want you to know that it might be possible to follow your heart and your testimony. Just my thoughts that you may or may not want to hear.
    Again, I do support you in your decision to stick to the church.

  10. Quinn, I am so proud of you. When I finally decided I wanted to repent and had that first visit, a good friend shared the following scripture with me: Alma 34:31. Pay special attention to the word immediately. You ARE on the path and the power of the Atonement has already begun to work its miracle in your life!