July 28, 2009

My Friends Wedding

I'm going to open up here a bit so please don't pour in salt.

This past weekend I was my friends Best Man at his wedding. (A Mormon wedding but that really has nothing to do with this post.)

It was a beautiful sealing, sunny day, and a delightful evening reception outside. Through out the entire day a thought kept popping up in my head.

The thought:

"This will never be me"

Now please before I continue, there are some (which is fine, I'm not hating on you) who would like to turn this into a church bashing post of how the church doesn't support gay marriage.

This post will have nothing to do with that topic, so please refrain yourselves.

Thank you

The thought, "this will never be me" first popped in my head during the sealing, while I was watching my friend and his bride. I was beaming and smiling, knowing of his joy and excitement. I acknowledged the though and then brushed it aside.

Again at the reception, "this will never be me." This time I entertained that thought a little longer and dissected it.

"This" – Marrying a woman

Although I consider myself bisexual (70% gay - 30% straight, although I bet a lot of that is forcing myself, who knows), I always thought and to some degree still do, imagine myself with a wife and kids.
"will never" – Never say never, but highly unlikely

Right now in my life, the only two girls I felt I could truly marry and LOVE, are not possible to marry. One, because we are just to different in personalities, and another because of what is going on in her life.
"be me." – Me meaning ME

Enough said on that.

It was on my drive home that it really hit me up side the head. I wasn't sad, I wasn't mad, I wasn't really anything emotions wise. Just kinda sank in.

I guess its just another stepping stone with my footprint on it.

What is next in my journey?


  1. I'm reminded of when I graduated from college and secured employment. After a few months, it hit me that this is what the rest of my life will be - getting up, going to work, coming home, and doing the same thing the next day - until I die. When you're in college life is constantly in flux - and then you're thrown into a routine which will not likely change. It was depressing for me at first. But, I got over it.

  2. Thanks for the introspective post. I appreciate that while you acknowledge that you may not marry, you leave the door open. I think that shows humility and faith. Enjoy being you!