I didn't go to my porn addiction class. Scared, lazy, and still not accepting the fact that I am addicted. Last night I told myself I would go, and then talked myself out of it this morning. I honestly didn't think about it again until 7:15pm, when it was to late.
I should go. I am addicted, I think of porn constantly. However I enjoy it. It is my release when I can't and shouldn't release in other ways. It's become, or was my deal with the Lord that I made up in my head. I'll jack off to gay porn and won't mess around with guys. Well seeing as how it was a promise with no foundation I came to brake it. Now its my fall back. I can't seem to sleep until I jack off. It's my closing event of each night. Some nights I'm so tired I just go to bed, but usually its a regular thing.
I need to go to the class and get help. I'm scared my secret will be found out. Whats the use, everyone does it anyway. Maybe I'll see someone I know there, a friend. What will the Stake think of my Dad. "The Stake President's son is addicted to porn!" What will people think of me? "He is so dirty."
I don't care what they think. Yes I do care, or I wouldn't have skipped the class. I still enjoy porn. I can be with the hottest of guys and not have to feel self conscience. Ha. That's a real sign I'm addicted.
Today was a wake up call without much shock.
Tonight, Dad called me into his room and said, "Have you thought about AIDs? That's something you need to think about." The word aids almost went right through me without sinking in. I had always known it was a possibility, but I asked every guy I had messed with if he was clean. They all seemed like good honest people, who 1- would have checked regularly. 2- were new to messing with guys and wouldn't be infected. However the fact remained that I still need to get tested.
I don't want to go alone. I can't take my parents. Even though it was my Dad's idea, I can't take him. That's embarrassing. So I contacted my only gay "friend". A***, who I haven't seen since high school, but I've chatted with online and through texting. He is supportive of everything I've gone through, and understands my situation, and never tries to tell me to leave the church to "be who I really am". It bugs me so much when people tell me that.
He said he would love to go with me, and will find out where I can go to get it done for free. He is awesome. He just lost his boyfriend to suicide last month, and has gone though a lot of crap recently from his BF's family and ex-wife.
Wow, I never imagined myself going to get tested to HIV. What have I come to.
I thought about talking to T*** about it. He is gay and has HIV, but doesn't know that I am gay. I'm afraid of his family finding out about me. I want to talk to him and tell him, but I will wait for the right time. He lives in Portland and could be a good friend up there for me. But again, I don't want K***** family finding out.
I read the scriptures tonight. First time since... gosh, a LONG time. I couldn't decide where to start. Starting at 1st Nephi is so... normal. I ended up reading Enos. He had a big change of heart. Well I followed a footnote from the verse where we was forgiven. "because of his faith in Christ." The footnote took me to the story of the brother of Jared. He saw the Lord because of his faith in Christ.
I thought, maybe I don't need to pray for a change of heart, I just need to increase my faith in Christ and then comes the rest. Build my testimony of the Lord and with that comes my change of heart and desire to live correctly.
Gosh this is so tough. What I am to be learning through out all of this. I know "we are not to be tempted about that which we are able" but gosh could I have gotten something a little easier, I haven't been doing so good this far in life.