June 10, 2009


I didn't go to my porn addiction class. Scared, lazy, and still not accepting the fact that I am addicted. Last night I told myself I would go, and then talked myself out of it this morning. I honestly didn't think about it again until 7:15pm, when it was to late.

I should go. I am addicted, I think of porn constantly. However I enjoy it. It is my release when I can't and shouldn't release in other ways. It's become, or was my deal with the Lord that I made up in my head. I'll jack off to gay porn and won't mess around with guys. Well seeing as how it was a promise with no foundation I came to brake it. Now its my fall back. I can't seem to sleep until I jack off. It's my closing event of each night. Some nights I'm so tired I just go to bed, but usually its a regular thing.

I need to go to the class and get help. I'm scared my secret will be found out. Whats the use, everyone does it anyway. Maybe I'll see someone I know there, a friend. What will the Stake think of my Dad. "The Stake President's son is addicted to porn!" What will people think of me? "He is so dirty."

I don't care what they think. Yes I do care, or I wouldn't have skipped the class. I still enjoy porn. I can be with the hottest of guys and not have to feel self conscience. Ha. That's a real sign I'm addicted.

Today was a wake up call without much shock.

Tonight, Dad called me into his room and said, "Have you thought about AIDs? That's something you need to think about." The word aids almost went right through me without sinking in. I had always known it was a possibility, but I asked every guy I had messed with if he was clean. They all seemed like good honest people, who 1- would have checked regularly. 2- were new to messing with guys and wouldn't be infected. However the fact remained that I still need to get tested.

I don't want to go alone. I can't take my parents. Even though it was my Dad's idea, I can't take him. That's embarrassing. So I contacted my only gay "friend". A***, who I haven't seen since high school, but I've chatted with online and through texting. He is supportive of everything I've gone through, and understands my situation, and never tries to tell me to leave the church to "be who I really am". It bugs me so much when people tell me that.

He said he would love to go with me, and will find out where I can go to get it done for free. He is awesome. He just lost his boyfriend to suicide last month, and has gone though a lot of crap recently from his BF's family and ex-wife.

Wow, I never imagined myself going to get tested to HIV. What have I come to.

I thought about talking to T*** about it. He is gay and has HIV, but doesn't know that I am gay. I'm afraid of his family finding out about me. I want to talk to him and tell him, but I will wait for the right time. He lives in Portland and could be a good friend up there for me. But again, I don't want K***** family finding out.

I read the scriptures tonight. First time since... gosh, a LONG time. I couldn't decide where to start. Starting at 1st Nephi is so... normal. I ended up reading Enos. He had a big change of heart. Well I followed a footnote from the verse where we was forgiven. "because of his faith in Christ." The footnote took me to the story of the brother of Jared. He saw the Lord because of his faith in Christ.

I thought, maybe I don't need to pray for a change of heart, I just need to increase my faith in Christ and then comes the rest. Build my testimony of the Lord and with that comes my change of heart and desire to live correctly.

Gosh this is so tough. What I am to be learning through out all of this. I know "we are not to be tempted about that which we are able" but gosh could I have gotten something a little easier, I haven't been doing so good this far in life.


  1. Read this through before you get mad. Be yourself!

    Now, I know you hate that but I have a really different view of what "being yourself" is than a lot of people. And this view is from someone who no longer is active or interested in being active in the Church.

    "Yourself" is many things. A stake president's son. An adult male who happens to be gay. A brother. A friend. Fat or slim. Handsome or not so much. Etc.

    One of those things is a Mormon. That IS part of "yourself". A big part. People who tell you just accept that you are gay and reject that you are Mormon and simply asking you to NOT be yourself. Not unlike a member of the Church saying reject that you are Mormon and reject that you are gay.

    Hopefully that made sense. I am striving towards getting comfortable that I am many things that often conflict but must be reconciled in some way if I want to be happy.

  2. Oh, and did you get tested? A suggestion: I had a regular old physical the other day. Typically you see Dr. X, he then gives you a lab slip, and you go get blood work done. Just mention to Dr. X that you would like to be tested for HIV (AIDs is harder to say and it's an HIV test anyway), and he should just add it to the panel of regular tests.

    I would be shocked if he/she even batted on eye. Doctors have heard it all, have lots of gay/sexually active/drug using patients and won't even pause. In my past life I was an attorney and, while it's not nearly the same thing, trust me when I tell you that after a while nothing surprises or shocks you.

    Good luck. And be careful if you are sexually active.

  3. Sorry about the truly awful grammar. And thanks for the comment on my blog!

  4. Hey, I wasn't mad at all at what you had to say about being yourself. I agree. I have a LDS friend who is also gay, and choosing to leave the church to "be herself" and I said to her pretty much what you said to me. That I can't leave the church because it is as much a part of me as being attracted to men is a part of me.

    Good idea on the doc idea, however its been a good year since I have seen the doc. I'm a pretty healthy person and don't go in at all. But maybe I will now.

  5. Well if you haven't been to the doctor in a year, there's your excuse. You should go once a year anyway!

    Of course my first real physical since I was 19 and my oldest brother gave me one for my mission. Well, apart from the joke physicals I had to take every few years when I had my private pilot license active.

    Hang in there on the Church thing. At the end of the day, you have to do what feels right, not what everyone around you thinks is right. I was exactly where you are for many years. It's hard to find that balance, and I didn't make the hard decision until I was forced to for a variety of reasons.

    Just don't be too tough on yourself over the porn / masturbation stuff. You are human, and plenty of straight men without a partner do the same thing. I'm not asking you to compromise your standards. Just don't beat yourself up over it.

  6. Hi Quinn,

    I just want to make a practical comment. The way to prevent HIV infection is not to ask guys you mess around with if they are clean. The way to prevent HIV is to use a latex barrier (a condom) to prevent blood or semen from coming in contact with mucous membranes or open cuts or sores. You don't get HIV from kissing or touching. Even though it may not apply to you right now, it's a good idea to go and get educated about techniques for protecting yourself from infection.

    Best of luck to you in your journey.

  7. Of course I know to use a condom... but I have never had anal sex. And I know kissing doesn't give HIV. It would come from oral.